JANUARY HOME TRUTHS
After a whole month at home following the World Cup in Qatar, and a further two weeks for the festivities and New Year celebrations, the nation finally prepares to go back to the workplace – actually, nothing much changes!
FEBRUARY COMEDIC VALUE
With an end finally in sight to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, its leader Volodymyr Zelensky prepares to return to his former career as a comedian and actor. “Given our backgrounds I really can’t think of anyone better suited to taking on the role of President of this great country than my good friend Boris,” he states.
MARCH NOT THE ‘HOLE’ STORY
Work on a new extension at Rishi’s Sunak’s £10 million Kensington Mews house grinds to a halt when it emerges that the contractors haven’t been paid for a month. “I know it looks bad but I’ve simply been too busy sorting the country’s finances out to get to the local hole in the wall cash machine”, protests our (current) Prime Minister
APRIL ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL
Suspicions are raised when planning permission for a one hundred mile long garden wall submitted by a certain Ms Sturgeon are rushed through the Scottish Parliament. Fleets of Ibstock and Forterra lorries are seen heading north, stoking fears of another national brick shortage.
MAY HEAD START
Erling Haaland scores his one hundredth goal of the season to win the Champions League Final for Man City after securing the Premier league, FA Cup and EFL Cup. To give other teams a chance, the FA announce that he alone will be banned from heading the ball in 2023 as part of an ongoing investigation into soccer related concussion injuries.
JUNE ROYAL DISSENT
The coronation of King Charles III is abandoned when his Royal Highness superglues his own hands to the Imperial throne in support of his Stop Oil eco friends. His new valet “Swampy” is arrested and thrown in the Tower.
JULY ‘FORE’ OR AGAINST
Rory McIlroy finally wins another major golf championship at the British Open in Liverpool. The fact that he was the only competitor after the world’s top 200 golfers had all left to join the LIV Tour is purely incidental says his new caddy who joined him on the final round after his old one also went missing in mysterious circumstances.
AUGUST FOOD FOR THOUGHT
In a historical test case, Professional Builder is forced to apologise to all those readers who were coerced into accepting potentially lethal free bacon butties from our Professional Builder Tea Wagon back in the 1990s and to those who – against their will – may have inadvertently joined our sponsored curry club in pursuit of free vindaloos and Cobra lager. An undisclosed sum of vouchers for vegan meals and kiwi smoothies has subsequently been paid out in compensation.
SEPTEMBER TROUBLE BREWING
“It’s the most serious material shortage to ever impact the productivity of the UK construction industry”, says an industry spokesperson on hearing that – in the wake of worsening diplomatic relations – both China and India have decided not to supply the UK with its usual 150,000 tonnes of tea per annum.
OCTOBER HEAD START!
In the aftermath of a snap General Election, many newly unemployed MPs start to consider a new career in the desperately short-of-skills construction market. “I have experience of digging holes, glossing over obvious problems and building barriers, obstacles and walls which can stand up to the most severe head banging against”, declares one hopeful former cabinet member.
NOVEMBER NO SMOKE……..
The Government’s long promised bonfire of the red tape which continues to stifle growth in the construction industry is further delayed when a civil servant demands a full risk assessment be carried out to the likely harmful effects of naked flames and bilious smoke from such an action on the environment.
DECEMBER OLD FATHER TIME UP!
In a nod to gender inclusivity, Father Christmas henceforth is to be referred to only as a non-gestational or non-birthing parent, whilst Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph et al will be replaced by sleigh-pulling, non-specific identifying mules.
